I didn't realize that bedrest would be so hard. I'm going through several internal conflicts, James and I are now going through some things and I just don't know how to handle it.
I've been here just a week and a half and I am already ready to hit the road. I know why I'm here and I tell myself it's best, but some days I find it hard to focus on the boys and I'm more concerned with how it's affecting me. Of course after that I feel guilty. I just want my boys born healthy. I get so incredibly uncomfortable at times and I say I'm just ready for this to be over, but I'm not because we still need to make it to at least 34 weeks. Then I feel guilty for even thinking that. I see all these clothing commercials from Macy's, Old Navy, etc with all kinds of cute clothes and I think about how I can't wait to get back to my regular size and wear cute things and not feel like a whale. Then I feel guilty because I love feeling the boys move around in there and I love seeing my stomach move when they do. I feel bad for thinking of myself. There are things left at home that need to be done, things I need to oversee and I can't and I get aggravated because I can't do them. I'm having to give up control of things and I don't like it at all. I get upset when I drop things on the floor and I can't bend down to get them. I hate that I feel like a prisoner. I miss my dog, I miss walking on carpet, I miss my own toilet seat. I hate feeling sorry for myself because I'm about to get the most wonderful blessing. I'm going to be a mother. I am blessed to be pregnant. I am blessed with family and friends that come visit me and call so I'm not alone. I am so excited at the thought that I am going to have two beautiful baby boys that my wonderful husband and I are going to raise together. I hate that I'm complaining and there are so many fantastic women out there that want to be where I am. I just feel so many things.
James is feeling the stress too and we're letting it affect our relationship. He, being the man, is going through a whole different set of worries. We found out last week that my Short Term Disability was denied because stupid MetLife has a pre-existing policy and a 6 month waiting period and since I found out I was pregnant before my 6 months, they're saying my pregnancy is a pre-existing condition and denied me Short Term Disabilty Benefits. This means I will not be bringing ANY income in. This adds extra stress on James because he feels he has to make up for it and work extra details. He also feels he has to do all the house work. We've had family members offer to help but he'd rather do it himself so he can ensure things end up where they go and no extra work is created by moving things from the wrong place to the right place. I totally understand that I just feel like he's putting too much pressure on himself. He also doesn't want to let go of cutting the grass. He feels like he can't or he just won't ask for help and let someone else handle that so it doesn't take away from his time up here with me. He said it would be a stress reliever and allow him to not worry about the babies coming early for a little while. Then I get upset because that's a worry I can't escape for a second and I feel like he should be up here with me instead of doing something someone else can do. I don't want to add to his stress one bit but I feel better, calmer when he is here. I feel safer when he is here and I don't have to worry about not being able to get ahold of him if something was to happen. Maybe I just need to let that go but it's how I truly feel. Then he made a comment tonight that he thought we'd make it longer before we let things to get us and start arguing. I don't want to argue at all. I just want to feel supported. I do feel supported, but I guess I'm being silly in feeling like he's putting this other stuff (that I know has to get done and most of it requires him in some way or another) before me/the babies. Of course, then I feel guilty. I just don't know.
2 days ago