Dr's Appointment Tomorrow

8:45 is our scheduled ultrasound followed by our dr visit. I'm super excited. I'm hoping and praying that both boys are head down so that we can plan for the vaginal delivery. If not, we'll have some questions for the dr for sure. I hope that it's an incredibly informative visit and that we have a better idea of to expect in the next week or so. Interested to see when they'll take me off the Procardia. I've noticed that over the last two days around the time I'm due for the next pill I'm cramping. Today was the first day since I've been home from the hospital that I felt a contraction and recognized it immediately. I kind of have a feeling that it won't be all that long after they take me off the pill before labor starts. We'll see. It's just a waiting game really. Now if A's head isn't down anymore all of this is void anyway. He was head down 3 weeks ago and the way I'm feeling his kicks, I think he's still head down, but I don't know.
Regardless, I'm just excited.

33 Weeks....YAY!!

How far along? 33w1d
Total weight gain/loss: I haven't kept track but I'm definitely LARGE
Maternity clothes? A few maternity items still fit, but I've outgrown most
Stretch marks? Makes me want to cry
Sleep: Some. I toss and turn from left to right but I've been getting more sleep this week than when I first came home from the hospital
Best moment this week: My sister giving me a pedicure
Movement: Tons, I'm convinced these boys are gymnasts
Food cravings: Ok, so I've never ever liked beer, but every time I see one of those beer with lime commercials I want one badly. I also have been wanting a shaved ice/snocone.
Labor Signs: Sometimes I feel cramping until I take the procardia to stop contractions. I know I'm contracting, but I'm not really feeling anything.
Belly Button in or out? Definitely out
What I miss: Being able to pee, wipe, and get off the toilet easily
What I am looking forward to: Finishing the nursery, Dr's appointment on Monday, seeing 34 wks and having these babies
Milestones: Started decorating the nursery, made the final "must get before babies are born" list of stuff we still need, started packing the hospital bag

I am so excited to hit 33 wks. We had a few goals set and hitting 33 makes us one week closer to hitting the next goal and one week closer to meeting our little boys. 28 was our first goal, then 32, now 34 is the big goal. 35 and 36 are what the Dr's are hoping we hit, but if we can make it to 34, we'll all be very happy. I feel so large and uncomfortable plus I'm having a hard time moving around and breathing that I'm anxious to hit 34 and then deliver. I know these babies need to stay in as long as possible but my small frame feels like it's about to brake so I'm not sure how long we'll make it past 34. It's crazy and amazing to think that in just a week or two our sons will be here. Is that even right? We're going to have to baby boys that we get to take home and keep??

I keep going back and forth on a few things. Some days I'm seriously nervous about delivery and others I don't worry about it. I will have more of an idea of what we're planning after our ultrasound Monday. If both boys are head down or close enough, our plan will be to try for a vaginal delivery. Having somewhat of a plan, even though I know it can change, will put me more at ease. I know our delivery is going to be different than what I can picture because we'll be delivering in the operating room and I don't know what it's like. I was present when my cousin gave birth to her 2nd child so that's the only delivery I know so that's just what I figured ours would be like. I've never seen the operating room at our hospital and I opted not to take a tour while we were there because I could totally see myself getting way too nervous.
I'm ready to have the babies and be a mom. I'm ready to feel normal again. On the flip side though, I'm definitely going to miss being pregnant. I'm going to completely miss feeling the boys move around inside of me. That is the most precious and intimate feeling and it makes me so sad to think I'm not going to feel it anymore.
I know we can do this, raise twins, and I know God never gives you more than you can handle, but I do wonder how well we'll do with two instead of one. I know we'll figure out what works best for us and find a flow, but if we mess up big time, we'll be messing up two children instead of one. I guess I'm just going through what all new parents to be go through.

Confession

As much as I LOVE being home, I miss my hospital bed. I was actually able to sleep in stretches longer than an hour and was able to get comfortable without needing to move every time I woke up. Oh well.

32 weeks = HOME

Yesterday morning the Dr came in, did the swab, sent it to the lab, and an hour later the nurse handed me the negative results. I was ecstatic!! Got home at lunch time yesterday. It was so nice to be home and to see my dog. She looks just as happy to be home. Last night was a bit rough, laying in my comfortable but flat bed verses the hospital bed that was elevated and had handles to help me get out. It's so nice to have good food available to me. I had my chocolate milk and strawberries last night (not together) and they were wonderful!!

It's such a blessing to be home, but I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit nervous. What if something happens while I'm home. I don't have nurses around to ask if something normal. Yes we've made it to 32 weeks and that's a milestone, but we definitely want to make it to at least 34. I have faith, I just want to make sure I do everything I can to keep them in as long as possible!!

Thank you for all the prayers :)

Tomorrow.....Home or Hospital

Things are on track for me to go home tomorrow.....but we still have to have the Fetal Fibernectin swab. On the monitor today I had irritability but no big contractions to be worried about. One of the doctors came in and said as long as the contractions I'm having aren't painful and there's no bleeding, she's not concerned about them. She said if at this point, hitting 32 weeks, if things do progress, they're not going to do anything to stop it. They'll take me off the Procardia at the end of 34 weeks, if we haven't gone into labor by that point.

Tomorrow's Game Plan: Unless the on call dr is held up, she'll do the swab in the morning and send down to the lab for the results. We had this done the first time I was in the hospital and the results only took about an hour. Hopefully it will be about that time frame tomorrow too. We are praying that the results are negative so that I am able to go home. If it comes back positive, we'll be preparing to see the boys very soon.

As I was showering today, I was thinking just how blessed we've been through this entire pregnancy. Yes I've been in the hospital for the last 3 weeks, but we've not had any real complications. I've not felt most of the contractions I've been having and these boys continue to grow, look, and behave healthy. When I stop to think about all of this, there's only one thing I can do.....Thank God. I also have to thank you guys for sending up prayers for us. It means so much! I'm doing all I can, but it's not in my hands. It's in His hands. He's been with me/with us the whole time and never let go. There are two songs that bring me peace about it all. I love them both and must share.

Tim Hughes
"Whole World in His Hands"
Chorus: I'll fear no evil for You are with me, strong to deliver, mighty to save
He's got the whole world in His hands.



The other song: Matt Redman "Never Let Go"
And I will fear no evil For my God is with me
And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear whom then shall I fear
Oh no, You never let go Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go in every high and every low
Oh no You never let go, Lord You never let go of me!



Just so THANKFUL!!

A Crazy Day

So last night, one of my doctors came in and said since they're wanting to send me home, they wanted to see how my body would react to not getting the terbutiline shots. See what would happen if they didn't stop the contractions since I won't have access to the shot at home. Makes total sense.
This morning I went on the monitor just a few minutes after 9am. Normally I'm monitored for 1 hour in the morning and 1 hour at night. After about 2 hours this morning, the nurse came in and said my doctor wanted me to stay on the monitor for another hour to watch the contractions. Well, every time she attempted to do her rounds, she'd get called for a delivery so a few hours turned in to 7. Let me tell you, when you're strapped down and every movement you make spikes like a contraction on the monitor making you afraid to move, you get very uncomfortable and stiff. Finally she made it in and wanted to check my cervix. See if the last three weeks of contractions have caused any progression. OUCH! Then she said I was only 1cm and still long. HUH? The dr that admitted me said I was 2cm. She said no, I was really just 1cm. We were both very happy that I haven't progressed any. She said the plan is still to have the fetal fibernectin test Thursday morning (something a nurse can do so we don't have to wait for the dr) and as long as it's negative and nothing crazy happens tomorrow as far as contractions go, I will get to go home Thursday. Praise GOD!! It was such a relief. Now I'm praying everything goes well from now until then so I am able to go. I'm so thankful to all of you who have been praying for me & these wonderful babies.
I can't wait to see my doggy!!

*I realize in going home I very well could end up right back here before the babies come, but just having a few days at home is a blessing.

Status Update

Last week, in a 5 day period, I only needed the terbutiline twice to stop contractions. We were very happy. Dr comes in yesterday morning and says when I hit 32 weeks, which will be Thursday, if my strip (monitoring strip for contractions) looks stable and we're not needing the shot daily to stop them then we're on the road to go home. They're going to do the fetal fibernectin test to see if my body is preparing for labor (releasing a particular enzyme) and they're also going to do an internal to check my dilation. If I'm not more than 3cm and the fetal fibernectin test is negative I'll get to go home. Granted it might be just for a week, but I'd get to go home. Wouldn't you know that after the dr leaves and they put me on the monitor, I need the shot. Last night, I need the shot again. This morning got the damn shot again. Just as they're saying things are looking great and they're thinking I'll get to go home, my stupid uterus starts acting up again. If I keep on like this for another day or so, they're not going to let me go home. For my sanity, I need to go home. I know there have been women who've been admitted into the hospital and had to stay a lot longer than me. I don't know how they did it because I feel like I'm going to snap.

On a lighter note, James did spend the whole weekend with me and I loved every minute of it. It makes such a difference. The weather looks wonderful outside of my window that won't open. I think I'll go on a wheelchair ride outside today. I need some fresh air.

31 Weeks

How far along? 31 wks
Total weight gain/loss: I really have no idea
Maternity clothes? the ones I have barely fit.
Stretch marks? :(
Sleep: Believe it or not, sleeping better in the hospital, longer stretches of sleep, than at home
Best moment this week: Two days in a row without a shot
Movement: Tons. When A moves, depending on my position, it can be very uncomfortable. They are definitely about out of room
Food cravings: anything sweet
Labor Signs: they're quick to stop any contractions I have
Belly Button in or out? completely out
What I miss: walking on carpet at home & Big Red (cut out caffeine drinks)
What I am looking forward to: making it to 32 weeks
Weekly Wisdom: It's all for the babies
Milestones: Made it to 31 wks without going into labor and going two full days without needing a shot to stop contractions!!

I am noticing a change in my mood the longer I'm here. Maybe it's just because I'm asked the same questions several times a day. Maybe the fact I can't leave is getting to me. Maybe it's because I'm tired of looking like a bum and feeling like a slob. Maybe it's because my phone rings a thousand times a day. Maybe it's just my hormones. I don't know what it is. I just feel grouchy and anti-social. I feel unattractive and I just want someone to help me shave my legs.

James is feeling better and I'm glad because he always makes me feel better just by being here.

Doggy Visit

My dad and step mom brought our dog Bailey up to the hospital last night to visit. James took me on my one wheelchair ride I'm allowed a day and we went out to the parking lot to see her. At first she didn't even recognize me. James said it was the wheelchair, but it was disappointing regardless. After she smelled me she seemed to know who I was but she was more interested in sniffing new surroundings that visiting with me. We sat outside for a while and she came up to me twice and let me rub on her. Then James' brother walked up and Bailey went nuts for him. She had no trouble knowing him. Made me kind of sad. Makes me very anxious to get home so she can be home with us again.

On another sad note, James has strep throat. He won't be visiting today which bums me out a bit. If he's not coughing, dr said he should be ok to visit tomorrow, if he's feeling better. I feel partly responsible for him getting sick because he's pulled in so many directions and hasn't been getting enough sleep. He's been getting up early so he can get work done early to come here and stay with me for the evening. He just needs to rest and I guess this is his body's way of saying slow down :(

Healthy Growing Boys!

About 7am I woke to a knock on my door and was told to get ready for fetal monitoring. Huh? They do fetal monitoring in my room. Did she mean ultrasound? I called James and told him what I knew. Then about 15 minutes later my CNA came in and said we were going down to ultrasound. I called James back and told him. The CNA trying to do something nice for us called down to ultrasound and asked if they could take someone else in front of us to give James enough time to get here. Well by 8:30 James had to go to court. By 10 he came back and left again at 12 to get lunch. Still no ultrasound. He came back about 12:45 and left again at 1:30 for work and then came back about 3:30. We were still waiting. Just as I'm ready to watch Ellen they come in with a wheelchair to take me down. Of course.

I love seeing those little guys! We got lots of good news. Baby A......is head down!!! I am praying that he stays head down. With him head down, there's a chance that we can do a vaginal delivery. We saw A has hair. It was cool and we got a picture of it. It was like little white spikes that were coming off his head. A is measuring 3lbs 7oz. Whoa Baby! Baby B is still transverse but he flipped from my left side to right side and looks like he's trying to go head down. With their positions, there isn't much room in there but enough for B to make it head down. B also had hair. The tech was able to get a shot of his face and he had little chubby cheeks. My side of the family definitely has chubby cheeks so he might be stuck with those :) B is measuring 3lbs 9oz. Whoa Baby!! She said they are measuring the same as single babies would at 30/31 weeks. There's about 7lbs of baby in there. No wonder I feel so huge and uncomfortable.

As for me, the past couple of days I've gotten a terbutiline shot each time we were monitored. This morning, I didn't!! YAY! I think having the ultrasound upset my uterus because once we got back and I laid down, I was feeling some tightening and called the nurse. She put me on the monitor and immediately it picked up a contraction. In fact, these were the strongest contractions I've had thus far. The screen in my room doesn't have the line graph, just the numbers that go up and down. They like to see it stay around 10 but my contractions hit all the way up to 105 and they were coming like every 3 minutes. I knew with those I'd get the shot and I did. Thankfully it worked. I'm so happy the shot is still working. The boys love to show off when they put me on the monitor. They are definitely incredibly active. I love it!

Conflicts

I didn't realize that bedrest would be so hard. I'm going through several internal conflicts, James and I are now going through some things and I just don't know how to handle it.

I've been here just a week and a half and I am already ready to hit the road. I know why I'm here and I tell myself it's best, but some days I find it hard to focus on the boys and I'm more concerned with how it's affecting me. Of course after that I feel guilty. I just want my boys born healthy. I get so incredibly uncomfortable at times and I say I'm just ready for this to be over, but I'm not because we still need to make it to at least 34 weeks. Then I feel guilty for even thinking that. I see all these clothing commercials from Macy's, Old Navy, etc with all kinds of cute clothes and I think about how I can't wait to get back to my regular size and wear cute things and not feel like a whale. Then I feel guilty because I love feeling the boys move around in there and I love seeing my stomach move when they do. I feel bad for thinking of myself. There are things left at home that need to be done, things I need to oversee and I can't and I get aggravated because I can't do them. I'm having to give up control of things and I don't like it at all. I get upset when I drop things on the floor and I can't bend down to get them. I hate that I feel like a prisoner. I miss my dog, I miss walking on carpet, I miss my own toilet seat. I hate feeling sorry for myself because I'm about to get the most wonderful blessing. I'm going to be a mother. I am blessed to be pregnant. I am blessed with family and friends that come visit me and call so I'm not alone. I am so excited at the thought that I am going to have two beautiful baby boys that my wonderful husband and I are going to raise together. I hate that I'm complaining and there are so many fantastic women out there that want to be where I am. I just feel so many things.

James is feeling the stress too and we're letting it affect our relationship. He, being the man, is going through a whole different set of worries. We found out last week that my Short Term Disability was denied because stupid MetLife has a pre-existing policy and a 6 month waiting period and since I found out I was pregnant before my 6 months, they're saying my pregnancy is a pre-existing condition and denied me Short Term Disabilty Benefits. This means I will not be bringing ANY income in. This adds extra stress on James because he feels he has to make up for it and work extra details. He also feels he has to do all the house work. We've had family members offer to help but he'd rather do it himself so he can ensure things end up where they go and no extra work is created by moving things from the wrong place to the right place. I totally understand that I just feel like he's putting too much pressure on himself. He also doesn't want to let go of cutting the grass. He feels like he can't or he just won't ask for help and let someone else handle that so it doesn't take away from his time up here with me. He said it would be a stress reliever and allow him to not worry about the babies coming early for a little while. Then I get upset because that's a worry I can't escape for a second and I feel like he should be up here with me instead of doing something someone else can do. I don't want to add to his stress one bit but I feel better, calmer when he is here. I feel safer when he is here and I don't have to worry about not being able to get ahold of him if something was to happen. Maybe I just need to let that go but it's how I truly feel. Then he made a comment tonight that he thought we'd make it longer before we let things to get us and start arguing. I don't want to argue at all. I just want to feel supported. I do feel supported, but I guess I'm being silly in feeling like he's putting this other stuff (that I know has to get done and most of it requires him in some way or another) before me/the babies. Of course, then I feel guilty. I just don't know.

Wanna Come to KY...

and visit me please???

30 Weeks

I am so happy to see 30 weeks. I sent James a text this morning that said, "30 weeks! YAY!!" and he responded back that I'll probably never be so happy to turn 30 again! How cute. The nurse told us that each day they stay in longer shaves another 3 days off their NICU stay. Only 2 more weeks. Yesterday and today the doc's that came in mentioned a growth ultrasound so I'll be asking the one that comes in tomorrow when we can get that. I'd like to know how big these little brownies are. I know they're over 3 lbs because they were just a few ounces away from 3 over 2 weeks ago. I felt a few contractions today but each time they monitored me none registered so that's a good thing. My belly is itching like crazy. Of course it is, I'm the size of a house and my belly just continues to keep growing. Stretch marks are not pretty. I can no longer see my belly button anymore either. I used to be able to kind of bend over and see it but unless I'm looking in a mirror, I do not have a belly button.

James did a special thing for me today....he ordered me pizza for dinner. How sweet. I LOVE PIZZA. Tomorrow he's going to rent us a movie and actually stay the night with me. I'm very excited. I miss being home with him, having him in bed next to me. He didn't sleep well with all of my pillows, but I always liked knowing he was there next to me.

All I can think about......

Starburst Fruit Twists. I want some so badly. Why oh why must they be a discontinued candy? I used to keep them in stock in my house at all times. They are my favorite candy of all time and I really really want some. UGH!!!

NICU Tour & Contractions

Monday afternoon James and I took a tour of the NICU. They wanted us to know what to expect just in case. We had been in a NICU before when our friends had triplets but it was a totally different experience going in pregnant knowing we're here for preterm labor and our boys might come early and be taken there. The babies were so tiny. One baby was born at 29 weeks and was now 31 and weighing between 3-4 lbs. They said he was a twin so we assumed that meant one didn't make it and that was heartbreaking. One little girl was born at 24 weeks old. I couldn't see her, I was in a wheelchair, but James said she almost didn't look human and was the tiniest little thing. I was so glad I couldn't see her. They explained that there are no visiting hour limitations except during shift change and we'd both get bracelets to come and go. They do have a two person limit so James and I will have to take turns taking family members back one at a time. We just keep praying that we make it far enough along that they don't need to or are in there for such a short amount of time.

One thing I'm trying to do is learn what my contractions feel like. Sometimes I really don't feel anything and only know I'm having one because I'm on the monitor. Sometimes I feel like one of the babies is pushing up hard against my belly so it becomes harder and tighter than normal. Around dinner time I realized that my stomach was becoming hard and releasing in a pattern. I called the nurse and she put me on the monitor. Sure enough, I was contracting. I was glad I was able to recongize them but at the same time it sucks because I'm contracting. Of course it lead to me getting another shot of Tributiline to stop them. It's 11:15 and I'm starting to feel the tightening again, but they just gave me my Procardia pill to stop the contractions so I'm waiting to let it kick in and see if they stop. If not, I'm going back on the monitor. I have a feeling I'm going to get another one of those dreaded shots tonight.

Updates

It has been an interesting couple of days. Saturday I watched the best Derby/Horse race I've ever seen. I did win $45 for the day and I was very happy about that. James helped Guy cook dinner for some people Derby night. That was very exciting for him. I think he was sad to see him go. We did get an invite to come out and visit and he'll be back next year and I plan to be ready to go out and party with them :)

Sunday I had quite a few visitors and one of them included my husband. I was so happy to see him. It was SO HARD to go 4 days without seeing him with me being here in the hospital and emotional that he wasn't around. I didn't want to let on that I was missing him so much or wanted/needed him around because he was working/making money for us and I know it was hard on him (even though he was hanging out with fun people) to be away knowing I was going through things and he couldn't be with me. I made him lay in bed with me when he got here. I wanted him as close as possible. Last night I got to spend some quality alone time with him and I LOVED IT!!

On to baby stuff. Saturday night I had quite a few mild contractions and they called the dr who ordered a shot of Terbutaline to stop the contractions. Thankfully they stopped, but the two side effects of the shot are elevated heart rate and the body becomes jittery and shaky. It feels like my heart is going to jump out of my neck. It's not a good feeling at all. I was so glad my sister was still there because I would've freaked out even more had I been alone. Sunday was fine. Sunday night baby A was going crazy and it felt like he was doing gymnastics in my belly. At one point, he kicked so hard I screamed out in pain. It felt like he had just kicked his way out. I mentioned it to the nurse and she said as they continue to run out of room and things feel tighter, their kicks will feel more and more like that. FUN. Monday morning I woke up, had breakfast, went to the bathroom and started to feel crampy. I called the nurse, she put me on the monitor and I was contracting every two minutes. I sent James a text with each contraction and by #4 within just a few minutes, he left work to come be with me. I was so happy because next thing I knew, the nurse was coming in with a shot of Terbutaline. After that the contractions trailed off, but only for a while. Within an hour they had started again. Nurse comes back in with another shot. I'll do anything for the health of my babies, but going through that back to back was hard and scary. I was so happy James was there with me. After the second shot, the contractions stopped. Thankfully, last night and this morning when I was monitored, no contractions or just one or two. Nothing to be concerned with.

My doc stopped in today. They've been telling me we'll see what's going on at 32 weeks, but she actually explained what they'll do. At 32 weeks (2 more weeks from Thursday) they're going to do a fetal fibronectin test. "The presence of fFN in the cervico-vaginal secretions of symptomatic women during weeks 24 through 34 of gestation (5 1/2 to 8 1/2 months) indicates an increased risk of preterm delivery. However, the absence of fFN is a much more reliable predictor, indicating that the pregnancy is likely to continue for at least another two weeks." They're also going to see if there has been any further dilation. If there has or if the fFN comes back positive, I'm in here until the babies come. If not, I will get to go home and wait for labor. I'm praying for no dilation and a negative fFN, but realistically I'm not going to get my hopes up. I realize with all the contracting, it's very possible that in 2 more weeks I could be another cm or so dilated. We'll see.

Are you serious?

Has anyone else seen commercials for this? What the crap??

Derby Weekend

Being from KY and since my dad works at Churchill Downs, Derby weekend is always a big deal in my family. We get to go to Derby each year and it's just so much fun. On top of that, James usually works a special off duty detail as security for a celebrity coming to the Barnes-Stable Brown party. This year he's escorting Guy Fieri from the Food Network. James has done this for 6 years now and each year the people he has haven't gotten personal. I always ask to meet them and of course I'm told no. Well, I was super excited that he has Guy this year. I love Ultimate Recipe Showdown. He seems like such a nice, down to earth, fun person. James picked him and his wife up from the airport last night and he is exactly what we thought. James said he's super nice. Of course I am wanting to meet him, but like every year I expected to get the NO answer. James called last night (I'm missing him terribly because I haven't seen him since yesterday at like 8:30am) and told me that Guy asked if he was married/had a girlfriend and James said he was married. Then Guy told him he should invite his wife out to hang with them. UM....WHAT??? I was invited to hang out with Guy and I can't b/c I'm stuck in the hospital. James told him the issue and he said Congrats and that he hopes everything goes well, but talk about disappointment. The one year I'm actually allowed to meet the person, it's someone cool, and I'm stuck in the hospital. Now let me state this: I love my babies and will do ANYTHING necessary to keep them in as long as possible. However, I am still disappointed.
So that's what's going on with me.