Wednesday, July 15, 2009

So Confused

Disclaimer: If you are family you may not want to read this because I will be letting out my feelings on what's happened and it may not be what you want to hear.

Maybe this isn't the place to talk about this, but this is my blog and I'm going through something and I just need to get it out. I found out yesterday that a family member committed suicide. I'm having a hard time dealing with it. It brings on a completely different set of emotions than just a "regular" loss of family. I'm confused, upset, heartbroken, angry, numb. I don't understand how someone can take their own life. I just don't. I guess I really don't need to understand it, it just is and I need to accept it, but how? I suppose anyone who would do that isn't in their right mind. This is what people keep saying. There are so many questions that just go unanswered. Of course the obvious is why? Why did you feel like this was the way? Why couldn't you talk to me or anyone else in the family? Were there any signs that we overlooked or even ignored? Why do it so another family member had to find you? Now they have to live with that imagine for the rest of their life. I could go on and on. I think the hardest part about it all is that my family member wasn't a Christian. No matter who tried to talk to them or what reasoning or evidence was presented to them, they were always resistant. I realize many people in this world don't believe, which is incredibly heartbreaking, but when you're dealing with your own family and death, it makes it so much harder. I don't want to believe this has happened. No matter what they were going through in this life, I can't even fathom and don't want to even consider the thought of what they're going through now. It makes me physically sick. I feel like the only thing I can do is just focus that much harder on my precious boys and soak in every single second of them.

If you wouldn't mind, could you please pray for my family? Please pray for peace and acceptance. Everyone seems to feel a bit guilty for not trying harder with this family member and a few are blaming themselves. It's just beyond sad.

7 comments:

Shannon said...

Oh Jeannie, I am so very sorry.

I will pray for you and for your family that you all may find some peace. You shouldnt blame yourself, but I know that its hard not to. Im sorry you are going through this but I am here for you.

Bliss04 said...

i'm so sorry for your loss! i'll be praying for you guys!

i know it's hard to understand, but it really isn't understandable until you've been there. i've suffered with depression in my life in the past, and although it may be hard to understand, you really just feel like you are a worthless pile of dirt and that no one on this green earth would notice if you were gone. i was by no means suicidal, but i know it's tough. a lot of times people just want attention, and for someone to notice them because they feel so horrible about themselves. but in addition to that, people in that state of mind would never ask for anyone's help or to recognize them because they don't feel worthy of it. it's really a lose-lose situation. it's hard for people with healthy minds to understand where people who commit suicide are coming from. they don't live a normal life on the inside. kind of like an alcoholic or drug addict. they just don't have healthy minds like we do. i hope you will soon find peace in the situation, and may God bless your loved one.

Amy said...

I'm so, so sorry. I've had family members attempt suicide and thankfully they were never successful. I've often had the exact same thoughts as you, with the biggest question being WHY?! I will be sure to pray for you and your family. ((HUGS))

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

Just found your blog....I have a sister that has tried to several times...and it is so sad. I am so sad for your loss.

Jessica said...

Thinking of you and your family!!

Meghann said...

I've read your blog for a while now our babies were due about the same time. I just wanted to say I'm so sorry and all of your feelings are normal and to truly heal from this you must allow yourself to feel them. My father took his own life 2 years ago. I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I had to turn to my Savior to finally find peace. We believe in life eternally, so life before this and life after. I have felt that my father has had teachers on the other side. I believe repentance much harder without a body, but possible. I know that God loves my Dad and that my Dad has a large price to pay for he took LIFE God's most precious gift into his own hands. I know of Heavenly Fathers love for all his children and that gives me hope that He will have both justice and mercy and will work out the salvation of these poor souls who felt so much pain in this life they speed up their return to the next life. I know my thoughts may not make any sense. I have a hard time organizing them. Whatever it takes for YOU to find peace I hope you find it. *Praying for you*

The Lane Family said...

I am so sorry. I will keep you and them in my thoughts and prayers. It it hard to understand and all you can do is rely on the LOrd and know that he is the only one who try knows what your family member was going through and why things happened how they did. God is merciful and will give strength and support to all.