Disclaimer: If you are family you may not want to read this because I will be letting out my feelings on what's happened and it may not be what you want to hear.
Maybe this isn't the place to talk about this, but this is my blog and I'm going through something and I just need to get it out. I found out yesterday that a family member committed suicide. I'm having a hard time dealing with it. It brings on a completely different set of emotions than just a "regular" loss of family. I'm confused, upset, heartbroken, angry, numb. I don't understand how someone can take their own life. I just don't. I guess I really don't need to understand it, it just is and I need to accept it, but how? I suppose anyone who would do that isn't in their right mind. This is what people keep saying. There are so many questions that just go unanswered. Of course the obvious is why? Why did you feel like this was the way? Why couldn't you talk to me or anyone else in the family? Were there any signs that we overlooked or even ignored? Why do it so another family member had to find you? Now they have to live with that imagine for the rest of their life. I could go on and on. I think the hardest part about it all is that my family member wasn't a Christian. No matter who tried to talk to them or what reasoning or evidence was presented to them, they were always resistant. I realize many people in this world don't believe, which is incredibly heartbreaking, but when you're dealing with your own family and death, it makes it so much harder. I don't want to believe this has happened. No matter what they were going through in this life, I can't even fathom and don't want to even consider the thought of what they're going through now. It makes me physically sick. I feel like the only thing I can do is just focus that much harder on my precious boys and soak in every single second of them.
If you wouldn't mind, could you please pray for my family? Please pray for peace and acceptance. Everyone seems to feel a bit guilty for not trying harder with this family member and a few are blaming themselves. It's just beyond sad.
2 days ago