Let's Talk This Out!

disclaimer: if you know me in real life, i mean really know me, am related to me or call yourself one of my bff's/closest friends, please in no way try to talk to me about this. i will not have that conversation with you. thanks!

let's talk this out. i need to get this out of my head. it's moments like this i wish my family & friends didn't read this blog. heck, does anyone? i'm going to tell you how it is. exactly how it is. i'm not going to hold back so beware.

babies. pregnancy. biological clock.

it seems as if everyone around me is pregnant or trying. this is both in real life and blog world. i think it's awesome. i love seeing pregnant bellies and i love babies. so much so that both of those things are on my mind a lot lately. i mean like all.the.time lately. over the last few months it's been a daily conversation i have with myself. right now my heart and my head are in battle. a very wise friend told me she believes we become mothers in our hearts first. she is so right. my heart wants another one. like right now!! my head tries to talk my heart out of it. my head has very valid arguments, but my heart is stubborn and doesn't want to listen. that old saying, the heart wants what the heart wants. that seriously applies here. no, i'm not just getting caught up in everything. i'm not wanting babies because other people are having babies. i'm not wanting to be pregnant because other people are pregnant. i'm feeling how i felt when james & I were ttc originally. i love my boys. i wouldn't trade them for anything ever. don't get me wrong. i have more love for them than they'll ever understand. however, i feel something inside telling me it's time for another one. it's screaming at me. i don't feel the jealousy I felt when i see pregnant woman like i did when we were first ttc because I do have my sweet boys. i do however ache to have it again. people joke around (i hope) with me about being done since we have twins, but i've always been offended by the assumption. just because i got two for one doesn't mean i should automatically be done. i've always wanted two kids. i was one of two. james is one of two. but that meant two pregnancies. even while pregnant with twins, i knew i'd want to be pregnant again and have another one. i at least want to try to for a little girl. yes i know there are no guarantees. i have always wanted a little girl and i need to try for that little girl. i won't love another little boy any less, but i really want my sweet little girl. i want to see what another child that james and i make would look like. do you watch the duggars? i think it's a bit crazy that they have so many kids. but on the flip side, i think it's awesome to see how different that many kids look coming from the same two parents. i love being able to look at e&I and see james in them or see myself. i want to do that with another. i want the whole experience again.

i think another thing that keeps popping in my head is that if we had just one the first time, we'd definitely be ttc again. there are two girls that i was pregnant with that are both pregnant now, one on purpose, the other not, but they are. i keep thinking about how i should be pregnant with them. it's not a feeling like i'm missing out on what other people have. maybe it's my biological clock. my clock doesn't understand i have 2 almost 20 month old boys at home. it just understands i'm at a child bearing age and that there's been enough time since my last one to have another one. i get it. believe me, i hear you. my head however just doesn't agree. or maybe it's my husband's voice in my head trying to convince me that i don't agree.

here's what my head says.... nope. you are not ready for another one. your body isn't ready for another one. you still have issues from your gallbladder. issues that require ibuprofin from time to time due to pain. you're too chicken to have it removed so you don't need to add a baby to the mix and have some real issues result from it. you had high blood pressure that lasted for 9 months after the boys were born. what if you have that again and it causes pre-eclampsia? just because you think it was a lasting effect of trebutaline(shot to stop preterm labor) doesn't mean that's the case. the trebutaline caused some random heart beat skips. what if you go into preterm labor again and aren't able to take the meds because of the previous side effects? here's a biggie. what if it isn't just a single baby? what if you get pregnant with twins again?? really think about that. just because you want one doesn't mean you would get just one. but don't be a pessimist either. don't just assume there will be two just because you only want one more. you just don't know. james might let you get away with having one more because you want one more so badly but what if you have two more. will he resent you? will you be able to afford more kids regardless of how many you have? you'd definitely have to get a minivan or third row SUV. could you afford that? think about all the expenses. think about time. the boys are getting to the age where the grandparents are keeping them more. add a third to the mix and that will change. your time alone with your husband would be even more limited. people will watch two, but not three kids. let's think about the most obvious. how are you going to handle two toddlers and a baby??? you're not superwoman. you have some seriously stressful days now. think about the kind of days you'd have with 3 kids. what about the boys. don't you think it's a bit selfish to have another one? they already don't get as much one on one time as they need because there are two. adding another to that will limit their time even more. limit your time with them even more. you already have two healthy babies. why try for another? you have two and many people can't have one. isn't that selfish? you already expect so much out of the grandparents. maybe you should ask them if they're willing to help care for another. this doesn't just affect you.

you see. i'm not naive. i talk these things out with myself at least once a day. but despite all of these very valid questions, it doesn't make me want one any less. it doesn't change how i feel. that leaves me in such a limbo. if feel like if you wait for the "right" time, you'll wait forever. i don't feel like i'm trying to be in control of the situation because there is no real situation. it's just feelings. so there's no letting go of the situation. are you asking if i've talked to james about this yet? a tiny bit, but not really. it makes me cry when i try to talk about it. when/if he reads this, who knows what he'll actually think. this is one of those things i try to deal with on my own so i don't add any more to his plate. i know he deals with a lot already. not fair i know. not how i should handle it, but it is what it is. i know what he'll say. we can't afford it right now and he's not sure if he wants another one. those answers just break my heart a little more. i'd rather just deal with these feelings on my own. at least then i don't have to feel sad towards him.

so there you have it. if you've made it to the end, God bless you. this was a lot to take in. i just needed to get it off my chest. sometimes being in my head is too much so i'm getting it out of my head. ah, makes me think of my favorite dance from this past season's so you think you can dance. twitch & alex's get outta my mind. fantastic!! thanks for listening to my ramblings.